Feeling powerless because Microsoft Windows has rendered your computer impotent? Deluded into thinking you have to install Windows just because it came with your new computer? Looking for answers to this problem but are so far down in computing purgatory you don’t know where to turn?

CodeWeavers, Inc., a leading developer of software products that turn Mac OS X and Linux into Windows-compatible operating systems, today introduced a ten-step program empowering Windows users to overcome the destructive and debilitating computer problems resulting from either their habitual use of Microsoft operating systems or their ill-conceived use of Windows applications on Linux or Mac systems.

“Too often today, the spiritual side of computing gets swept under Microsoft’s trillion dollar Persian rug,” said CodeWeavers’ chief executive officer and staff bhagwan, Jeremy White, from the lotus position at a Jimmy John’s restaurant down the street from CodeWeavers’ headquarters. “We believe it’s impossible to be a happy, self-fulfilled human being when so much time each week is spent cursing a computer screen. That’s why we’ve created this simple ten-step program that empowers suffering souls around the world to rise-up and break Microsoft’s iron shackles, allowing them to continue on the glorious path to computing Nirvana.”

The CodeWeavers Ten Steps to Computing Nirvana

1. Admit you are powerless over Microsoft — that your Windows computer has become unmanageable or that every computer available at retail will have Windows installed.
2. Come to believe that a power greater than yourself or Bill Gates could restore you to sanity.
3. Make a decision to turn your computer struggles over to the care of a new Macintosh or Linux computer system.
4. Take a searching and fearless moral inventory of your operating system and what applications are limiting you.
5. Admit to Bill Gates, to yourself, and to other desktop users the exact nature of your reliance on Windows just to run a few applications.
6. Become entirely ready to have CodeWeavers remove all barriers to running these applications on your new computer.
7. Humbly ask CodeWeavers to remove those barriers by letting you run your favorite Windows applications natively without a Windows license.
8. Make a list of all persons harmed as a result of these barriers, and make amends to them by sending them the link to the CodeWeavers website.
9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, especially when to do so would undermine Microsoft’s efforts to rule the world of computing.
10. Have a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, carry this message to everyone you know, and practice these principles in all affairs.

“Our country’s founding fathers went as far as preserving the pursuit of happiness as an inalienable right under our constitution,” said White as he ordered a turkey and bacon sub before an electrified crowd of lunchtime diners at the Jimmy John’s. “And I’ll be damned if we’ll stand around and watch this right die in the sacred realm of personal computing. I call on everyone stricken with this horrible affliction to follow our ten-step program. Onward to battle!! Hold the mayo, please.”