I Hate The New MacBooks

30 June 2015
by Jon ParshallJon Parshall
Tim Cook making a MacBook float in the air, for the pleasure of the onlookers...
With outspread hands, Tim Cook causes a MacBook to float in
mid-air, for the pleasure of a group of the fawning faithful...

Look, I know Apple is the most successful company on the planet. Everything they do is golden. When Tim Cook announces a new product, it's as if pearlescent unicorns suddenly start barfing out rainbows of magical cashflow that run shimmering through the land. Lines of fervent supplicants, hopeful tears running down their cheeks, stretch out the doors of Apple's retail temples: the faithful waiting to be guided to the altar by chirpy, blue-shirted acolytes. Newly anointed consumers swoon in orgiastic rapture and start speaking in tongues. Apple can do no wrong. So I know what I'm about to say is literally heresy. But here it is:

I think the new MacBooks suck.

17-inch MacBook Pro
This was a workhorse. I frequently cry myself to sleep
thinking about how much I miss my 17" MacBook Pro.
Literally. With tears and everything...

They suck.

Especially the Pros. There's nothing "Pro" about them any more. They've been whittled down into neutered shadows of their formerly incredibly useful selves. They've been streamlined into idiocy. They're the modern computing equivalent of a thoroughbred racing horse: fast, but so delicately inbred that you're constantly worried they're about to blow out one of their spindly little balsa wood legs before they can even make the backstretch. MacBooks are basically a fashion accessory now. They've become what the Air always was: an anodized sex symbol. They're less about getting work done than getting laid. Or would be, if they hadn't been castrated in the process. They suck, because they're incapable of doing anything else.

No more 17" screens. Hasn't been one for years. I hate that. I used to actually be able to use my Macbook Pro for video editing
without an external monitor, dammit. I loved that extra screen real-estate. Those days are now but a distant memory of a better, simpler time. The rumor is that Apple phased out the 17" models because, gee, somehow they just couldn't figure out how to make a Retina display that large. That's right: a veritable horde of South Korean production engineers just couldn't seem to lay their hands on a couple thousand spare LCD crystals anywhere inside LG's state-of-the-art Paju production ziggurat. Uh huh. My guess is that Apple was more concerned that 17 inches just wouldn't fit into ScarJo's Vuitton handbag, so they axed it.

15-inch MacBook Pro
This is what I'm using now. 15 lame-ass inches of "Meh..."

Gone is the Ethernet port. Yeah, thanks, guys. Now I have to carry another goddamned adapter dongle to jam my Ethernet cable into, so it, in turn, can be jammed into your goddamned Thunderbolt orifice. I just live for carrying around goddamned dongles. I really do. Because I actually enjoy having one more thing I can lose, or forget, or have the dog swallow. And I also love paying an extra $35 for the privilege of becoming a sleek, spiritually-actualized EtherThunderboltian! That's awesome! Thanks for making my life more childlike and wondrous! Memo to Apple: the entire freakin' world uses Ethernet ports to go hardwire to the 'Net, not Thunderbolt, k? And sometimes wireless just won't get it done. Sweet Jesus...

Need a CD drive with your MacBook? Oh, you can carry that separately, too. And plug it in where? Why, into a USB port, of course. Wait, did we mention that we've gone from three USB ports down to two, and the 2015 12" MacBook only has
one? Ummm, what? The actual? Fuzz?!? So now I get to purchase a powered USB hub to plug in all my external devices (presuming I didn't accidentally leave them sitting in the hookah bar back in the terminal at Marrakesh). It sure would be nice if a few of those USB devices would plug into, I dunno, like, a laptop or something. But noooooooo! I know, I know: beauty cannot be created without pain. Thanks for being unstinting with mine, Apple.

15-inch MacBook Pro
And this is the hideous, dystopic laptop future we're undoubtedly
heading towards. "Simpler, Timeless, Elegant..." or some such BS. Frack this...

Let me guess: next time around the freaking monitor will be a detachable dongle that I have to plug into some Thunderbolt port somewhere "back there," right? But wait, where does my detachable keyboard plug into? What? You say there's only one Thunderbolt port now? But I'm already using that port to plug in the detachable CPU that's currently melting its throbbing, bitch-hot Core i31 atomic heart right through the titanium skin of my Bureau Architecte standing desk, dammit!

But you say you shaved a crucial .25mm off your svelte, comely bezel and thereby saved me another 14 grams worth of weight? Wow! That's like, what? An entire fun-sized 3 Musketeers bar or something, right? That weight savings has
really made my life more joyful and wondrous, because it freed up some extra weight for the grocery sack I'll be using to carry around all my goddamned adapter dongles. Or maybe I'll just stuff them all into my Louis Vuitton...

About Jon Parshall

Jon has been working in the computer software industry for over 20 years. He joined CodeWeavers in 2002 as COO. Contact Jon at jparshall@codeweavers.com and learn more about his professional accomplishments on LinkedIn.

About CodeWeavers
Founded in 1996 as a general software consultancy, CodeWeavers focuses on the development of Wine – the core technology found in all of its CrossOver products. The company's goal is to bring expanded market opportunities for Windows software developers by making it easier, faster and more painless to port Windows software to Mac and Linux. CodeWeavers is recognized as a leader in open-source Windows porting technology, and maintains development offices in Minnesota, the United Kingdom and elsewhere around the world. The company is privately held.

The following comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not responsible for them in any way.

New Comment

Posted 2015-06-30 13:42
Apple which survived it's down times on the backs of the pro-users has been for some time letting them down. Aperture is Caput, Final Cut was neutered (for a bit at least I hear it is ok-ish now) no longer the pro-workhorse it once was, Terminal has to be replaced by iTerm2, iMovie is a waste of good hard drive space.
The changes in the macbook reflect a bit of that though it's a travel vs. pro users needs thing. I rarely use the CD in my laptop and while I use the Ethernet a lot, it's only cause I worked in the government I many times couldn't set up a wifi hotspot otherwise I also would rarely use it. The only thing I find ridiculous is the lack of ports. I do travel with my laptop a lot, and it weights quite a bit. My friends with modern Macs seem to have to issues carrying them, cause they're so light. I love my Mac. It's a workhorse for a little computer and love how it looks with it's white plastic keys. Yet the traveling just sucks. So I can see why all the other things are removed to improve weight and size.
Row Gasm
Row Gasm
Posted 2015-07-01 20:00
It's only 13" but it has:
- Kensington lock slot (because clearly expensive Retina and MacBooks don't get stolen)
- optical drive can be replaced with another SSD (I have two 960 GiB SSDs)
- takes 16 GiB RAM of actual SODIMMs, instead of soldered-on, unrepairable nonsense
- SD card slot
- Thunderbolt port
- 2 USB 3.0 ports
- 1 Gb Ethernet port
- Keyboard doesn't feel bendy
- Enough weight so it won't slide around on your lap (say on a train)
- Not heavy like a brick
- 5 hour battery life with 1k recharge cycles

- doesn't have a Retina display
- mostly Useless Firewire port
- may go away at any time
Posted 2015-11-07 22:51
Haha I just saw this post and agree 1000% with all of the above. *catharsis*
Posted 2016-11-03 11:32
Fast forward to November 2016. New Macbook Pros only have 4 USB-C ports and a "legacy" jack stick and a max of 16 GB ram.
Personally I've been a Linux user for 10+ years but I see some disappointed pro Mac users having interest in Linux on eg. a System 76 machine. Luckily you guys already have a Linux version ;)
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